I’ve been putting off this post for a good long while now, unable to focus my thoughts enough to form a coherent paragraph. There has been an upheaval. What do I address first? How much do I tell? Should I just wait until things settle down? To answer that last one, it ain’t gonna happen. Life is not gonna slow down enough for me to even catch my breath so I’ve got to learn to breathe through it.
My life as of late has been, in a word, dramatic. I’m single now. Or single-ish. Because I’ve had to own yet another truth: I’m not cut out for monogamy. This is something that has occurred to me before but problems arose so non-monogamy was taken off the table. I told myself I was fine with that, and I was for good long while, until some rumblings buried deep below started to rear their intrusive heads.
Life is once again demonstrating to me that you’ve got no power over who your heart wants. I found myself with feelings for someone who wasn’t my partner while still very much in love with my partner. As you might guess, this caused an immense amount of internal turmoil and guilt. I agonized over the situation. How could I possibly have fallen for someone else when I had such a wonderful, supportive partner? What was wrong with me? Cue so much self-flagellation and burying of feelings that I am so very good at. But in the end, I couldn’t quash those feelings. And my partner couldn’t accept that, so she moved out.
To be clear, I’m not blaming my partner. I’m not blaming anyone, not anymore. I shouldered all of the blame myself for quite a while until I was so broken down from the weight of it that I could barely function. So I let it go. It’s not my partner’s fault that she is hardwired for monogamy and I’m not. And it’s not my fault that I fell for someone else.
I’ve gotten quite a bit of feedback from various peanut galleries in my life, all people who mean well. I know they do. But they don’t know my heart. And if I’ve learned one thing over the last year, it’s that I can trust my heart and I should follow it. My bodywork therapist told me that 2012 is the year of transformations. I believe it. For me these transformations are going to come from following my heart.
Transformation is important, vital even, but never very easy. My routine, certain little world is no more. The future is cloudy. But as I was reminded by someone special, it never really was so certain before; it only seemed that way. The difference now is that a little more truth has been freed from my core and I’m stronger for it.
Very closely related to my last post is the subject of Deep Lez (which has also come up in various discussions on Tumblr recently). Deep Lez is more of a theory, a movement, than an identity (though there certainly are some who are choosing it as an identifier for themselves). And it’s also not so very serious all the time. It’s a feeling and a culture. Astrology, tea, folk music, Goddess worship, crystals, labrys jewelry…all totally Deep Lez.
Deep Lez is a phrase coined by artist Allyson Mitchell to reclaim ‘lesbian’ as a radical identity and calls it both “theory and practice.” Deep Lez honors the contributions of radical lesbian feminists of the second wave while still acknowledging the problematic aspects of the politics of that time (namely, transphobia). Deep Lez acts as a bridge between the second and third waves, urging feminists of the current generation not to forget our herstory and insisting on more inclusive politics this time around. As Mitchell says in this interview,
Deep Lez is about rescuing lesbian and radical feminism from being forgotten or discarded. There are some really amazing principles and practices that I don’t want to get lost…I think a lot of people are too dismissive of lesbian feminism. It becomes a joke and a cliché at best. At worst, people gag on the word lesbian, forget about being able to affiliate themselves with it. I think there is a deep set misogyny in these statements. I want to call attention to this misogyny and at the same time tweak lesbian feminism into an inclusive contemporary urban context that could really use a lot of its principles right now, and actually does use a lot of its principles but doesn’t necessarily give it credit.
And I say, credit where credit is due. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think my tea is ready and I need to consult my horoscope.
My identity, like that of most folks, is a complex, multi-faceted thing. It is never static and is often confusing. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never truly find myself. And sometimes I never want to. I have learned so much about myself in the past couple of years, and about love and community and solidarity and letting go and moving on. Every time I think I finally know my truth, I learn something new. It’s scary and exciting.
I thought I was pretty settled on queer as the best identifier for myself. Queer femme to be specific. But after some really insightful, thoughtful and often volatile discussions on Tumblr regarding the queer community, labels and misogyny, I realized I had some deeper digging to do. I was ‘queer’ but why? Why ‘queer’ and not something else? Was that really the best fit or was I avoiding deeper introspection?
It took a while to get to this place but I had to finally admit that having a romantic and/or sexual relationship with a man (cis or trans) held no interest for me. I wanted my relationships to be with female-identified people. And yet, I shied away from using ‘lesbian’ as an identifier. I’m not sure if I did it consciously, certainly not in the early stages of my evolution. But when those discussions appeared on Tumblr, I realized that I, too, was guilty of shunning ‘lesbian’ in favor of ‘queer.’
Queer just seemed so much more radical and as is pointed out in the links above, lesbian tends to be seen as passé and associated with more mainstream politics or less politically aware in general and therefore lesser in the radical queer crowd. But where did this idea of queer as a monolith come from? Why has the larger queer community decided that there’s a specific set of rules to follow in order to be The Best Radical Queer. Why do we keep setting up these hierarchies amongst ourselves? These are important discussions we need to be having.
Lesbian identity also has been marred with the existence of a transphobic radfem history that obviously cannot and should not be glossed over. However, radical lesbian feminists were certainly not all MichFest loving transphobes so the damnation of an entire identity based on a small subset is truly unfair. Those who choose lesbian as an identifier are also frequently accused of propping up the gender binary. I disagree. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to want to center your relationships around female-identified people while still supporting those outside the gender binary. Some people are binary-identified and some are not. One does not negate the presence of the other.
I agree that, as others have more eloquently asserted, telling women that centering their relationships around women is somehow less radical is straight up misogyny. But in a culture so entrenched in misogyny , I think the most radical thing I can do is to reclaim ‘lesbian.’ I want to rescue it from the unfortunate parts of its history and honor the important, groundbreaking parts. I refuse to let the insecurities of others in the queer community keep me owning an important part of myself. Because this is about me and my desires and those desires do not include men and I’m done caring about their feelings being hurt over it.
I’m a lesbian. A dyke. A femme dyke to be specific. Deal with it.