Lawdy this has been one hell of a year, no? Early in the year I was told that 2012 would be a year of transition and holy hell was it. New career path, new apartment, new relationship and profound loss. Only one of these was expected.
I did my damnedest to face all these changes with an open heart and mind but it got to be a bit much at times. And in those moments, I was lucky enough to have someone so wonderfully supportive and honest and funny and kind to get me through and help me realize that challenge is what I do, again and again and again. I don’t take the easy road. I do hard things because I’m compelled to, because I’m not content to settle in any aspect of my life, even if it means walking away from something seemingly certain and safe, which is exactly what I did.
Speaking of that someone, sometimes something that doesn’t look good on paper ends up being a pretty perfect match. And that’s what I got…someone who encourages me and calls me on my shit and makes me face the hard stuff but faces it with me. Someone who is willing to talk it out and deal with problems rather than burying them or shutting down. Someone who makes me laugh every day but lets me cry when I need to. Someone who gives me room to grow and genuinely wants to grow with me. I am completely, ridiculously in love and finally in a healthy relationship. I couldn’t be happier.
My first semester of grad school is under my belt. Career goals are starting to solidify. Cohabitation in a new apartment is on the horizon (and I’ll be living with a dog again!). I am thoroughly excited to usher in the new year, not because I’m dissatisfied (or worse) with the current one but because I’m eager for what’s to come. It’s gonna be good, trust.
I’ve been putting off this post for a good long while now, unable to focus my thoughts enough to form a coherent paragraph. There has been an upheaval. What do I address first? How much do I tell? Should I just wait until things settle down? To answer that last one, it ain’t gonna happen. Life is not gonna slow down enough for me to even catch my breath so I’ve got to learn to breathe through it.
My life as of late has been, in a word, dramatic. I’m single now. Or single-ish. Because I’ve had to own yet another truth: I’m not cut out for monogamy. This is something that has occurred to me before but problems arose so non-monogamy was taken off the table. I told myself I was fine with that, and I was for good long while, until some rumblings buried deep below started to rear their intrusive heads.
Life is once again demonstrating to me that you’ve got no power over who your heart wants. I found myself with feelings for someone who wasn’t my partner while still very much in love with my partner. As you might guess, this caused an immense amount of internal turmoil and guilt. I agonized over the situation. How could I possibly have fallen for someone else when I had such a wonderful, supportive partner? What was wrong with me? Cue so much self-flagellation and burying of feelings that I am so very good at. But in the end, I couldn’t quash those feelings. And my partner couldn’t accept that, so she moved out.
To be clear, I’m not blaming my partner. I’m not blaming anyone, not anymore. I shouldered all of the blame myself for quite a while until I was so broken down from the weight of it that I could barely function. So I let it go. It’s not my partner’s fault that she is hardwired for monogamy and I’m not. And it’s not my fault that I fell for someone else.
I’ve gotten quite a bit of feedback from various peanut galleries in my life, all people who mean well. I know they do. But they don’t know my heart. And if I’ve learned one thing over the last year, it’s that I can trust my heart and I should follow it. My bodywork therapist told me that 2012 is the year of transformations. I believe it. For me these transformations are going to come from following my heart.
Transformation is important, vital even, but never very easy. My routine, certain little world is no more. The future is cloudy. But as I was reminded by someone special, it never really was so certain before; it only seemed that way. The difference now is that a little more truth has been freed from my core and I’m stronger for it.